National Prematurity Awareness Day ( A day late)

Yesterday was the National Prematurity Awareness Day. The March of Dimes asked all preemie moms to blog about how prematurity has affected them to help educate others about prematurity. I did not participate yesterday due to time constraints. I also wasn’t sure that I wanted to visit that place emotionally. I have faced this current NICU stay with a brave face. I have tried to apply logic and have placed some of my feelings on a shelf. I was very much afraid that if I allowed myself to feel all the emotions that I would start crying and not be able to stop. So having said that, I debated about this post and decided that I should participate- even if I am a day late. I am sure you’ll forgive me for my tardiness.

As you know, prematurity has struck my family twice. As a little girl I dreamed of being a mom and remember discussing with my girlfriends how many kids I would have. As an adult, Kevin and I discussed what our future family might look like. We thought that maybe four kids would be perfect for us. It never occurred to us that prematurity would make the decision for us. At the young age of 27, I am done having kids. The pregnancy stage of my life is over. It was not my choice. Prematurity chose for me. The risk to my health was too great to even consider a future third pregnancy.

I never thought that when Baby Kevin was only 18 months that I would be giving away his baby clothes. The clothes that I had so carefully organized and packed away in the event that we might be blessed with another boy- a little brother- that would need the items. So 2 weeks after Savannah’s birth, I gave away all but the keepsakes. Logic tells me that I don’t need the clothes and another baby would benefit from his clothes. The emotional side wants to grieve what has been taken away from me. Logic tells me that this is petty and I need to thankfully for the 2 kids that I have- I am of course thankful!! But I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness as I said goodbye to his clothes.

I grieve other petty stuff like the following:

· I will never have professional maternity pictures of big belly

· I will never walk into a hospital with excitement and anticipation instead of the intense fear that my child will born early

· I will never be able to experience the joy of holding your baby right after birth- instead of reunion days later high off magnesium, drugged, and exhausted due to being anemic.

· I will never know what it’s like to leave the hospital with your baby

· I get upset with other moms who complain about being so big pregnant and being so uncomfortable and wishing their child had come early, but I remind myself that they don’t know any better. I pray that will never know through experience what they have taken for granted.

· I held back tears as I listed the hospital address as where Savannah is living on a Medicaid application instead of our home address.

I could go and drown myself in self pity and sorrow, but I don’t and won’t because with all our family has been through-We are still the blessed ones!!

The NICU is scary place. It hard to look into the eyes of fellow teary eyed mom as she asks if everything with her baby is going to be ok. She is desperately searching for comfort.She grasping for hope. However she knows and I know that no one can say for sure...and I tell her that it will be ok. I pray that I am right. I ask God for His protection over her child.

The haunting image of mother mourning the death of her twins will always remind me of how blessed I am. The absence of bed that should still be there breaks my heart. I have seen this during Kevin’s NICU stay and more often now with Savannah as she is in a higher level NICU. I know of other babies who never got to go home due to prematurity. When I think of this, I am filled with gratefulness that God carried Kevin through the NICU and is now carrying Savannah through it, but also sadness for their short lives.

Visit www.marchofdimes.com. You will find that Texas scored an F for their score card. An “F”! There is so much room for improvement and progress. The March of Dimes is working towards a future of no prematurity. As I look at Savannah, I know I have to do more. I pray that when she is much older and facing motherhood herself that she can face it without the fear of what if what happened to mom happens to me? I pray that pregnancy for her will be very different.

A good friend of mine, Tricia, who is a much better writer than I, said it best.

"So on this day, I ask that you think of our babies. Right now at a hospital near you, a mother is wringing her hands, staring at a monitor instead of her baby's eyes. She's praying they can all make it through the night. She's wondering about today, tomorrow and next year. She's feeling guilty, wondering if she could have done something different. She's looking into the faces of the strangers caring for her not-yet-supposed-to-be-newborn, hoping they know how important that tiny bundle hooked up to all the wires really is."

Please consider the March of Dimes and the work they do. Pray for mothers and babies like Kevin and Savannah. We’ll see you this coming April for the March of Babies fundraisers. We have to fight for preemies.